Someone just asked me (first time requested, yaaayyy) a very unhealthy question.
How can I show my girl that an emotionally invested relationship is not worth living? What are the serious problems comes out of an emotionally invested relationship in the long run?
And this is what I did about it:
(sigh), why would you want a relationship at all then? You could easily get your needs met (ah, see there I go again already putting emotion back into it – like you want that) by just reading a book.
Every relationship is based in emotional involvement. While it is true that there are a very few people out in the world that truly desire to live life without feeling any emotion it just doesn’t seem to work out at all for them. Being purely logical, There have been studies done of people that have had brain damage and can’t feel emotion anymore. When they are given a contract to sign that benefits them immensely and have the choice to sign it with a black or a blue pen they are completely paralyzed. They can’t sign it. There is no logical reason to choose black over blue given no priority is given to one over the other. So they miss out. The rest of us use some sort of emotional context or personal feeling to finish the decision. Without emotion we go nowhere fast.
This really concerns me as a question if it is sincere. It deeply concerns me of the possible context here. I am just trying to imagine what desires a person would have to not want an emotionally invested relationship. I am truly hoping it is to keep the relationship uncomplicated and not the desire to manipulate and coerce your partner.
The other side to this is the serious problem that you get into by becoming emotionally involved in a relationship. But those problems are dwarfed in comparison to the problems of not becoming involved. THERE ARE PROBLEMS EITHER WAY. That is to say if you don’t become emotionally involved the relationship will just end anyway. So I am saying that emotion involvement is required if you want a good, healthy, mature, responsible relationship. A wonderful, enjoyable relationship far (very far) out ways the problems it took to get there.
Of course those same problems are only easily seen that way once you get through them. While you are in them it is hell-on-wheels. It is just awful. Terrible. And you just want to end the relationship anyway. So you do. Then you are lonely, tired, depressed, and all the other horrible things of being alone. But it’s not completely bad being alone. You get to do whatever you want when you want, you are in control of your own money, and you are not being imposed upon by someone with influence with you. There are some benefits to being alone. But just some. Not a lot.
Being in a wonderful relationship far out ways even those things though. But you have to pay the price for it.
You have to have the communication skills to do it. And those skills are icky to develop. Being vulnerable, sticking your neck out there to go for it is risky. Only we are after managed risk here. There are ways to protect yourself when you go for a real, mature, healthy, responsible relationship with another person. Develop those skills and then you can get good at the communication side. Pay the price.
Just think of it. A wonderful, fun, enjoyable relationship with another human being. Someone you can trust, empower, and receive admiration and appreciation from. It is incredible.
It is incredible because you simply just can’t get those feelings being alone.
It is worth it. Go for it.
So why don’t you?
I am guessing you were probably hurt in the past or maybe raised by cold, calculating parents? I’m going to go with having been hurt. So I get you. I feel your pain, my brother. It just seems easier to keep things straight up and not complicate it with “emotions”. Only you are not really doing that either here. It sounds like you are just wanting to be able to get certain emotional needs met here. And not have to deal with her deeper fulfillment. I get you (or maybe I have no idea what I am talking about, being way off base, having read this short question into something far into left field. No idea, so I will just keep going, hoping I am getting close to home).
You are still asking for certain limited feelings here even with a relationship without it because it is still a relationship. If you are doing that then I can see that some healing would be extremely beneficial on your end. Queue my obligatory Gutap method part of almost every post:
Gutap – the system to achieving core level change of any limiting belief.
1 feel the feeling of the false belief to get it
2 find out what it truly wants you to learn in the positive
3 connect the feeling of the positive lesson (not the concept or picture) to the negative feeling of the false belief to let it flow into negative feeling to change it.
Everyone knows by now how to find out more about the Gutap method I developed if they want too so I won’t repeat it here. It is about how to change any false belief all the way to our core if needed.
Back to your question: Now is the part about getting out and actually finding out if a positive relationship is worth it. You have to do that. You need to find out if healthy relationships are worth it. And I am honestly guessing you probably already kinda know that. Google searches are fine but it doesn’t get real and hit home that it is worth it until you talk to people that have done it. When real people sit right in front of you and share with you the incredible wonders that emotional invested living gives you, well. . . . you just don’t quite get it until then.
So are you just saying you want the sex without the complications of a “relationship”? Because that is cold, dude. Truly cold. You have no idea what is going on in the mind of a women when you say that. If I were to ask you to take a full time job that has no pay, ever – that does not even come close to the horror going through this woman at this point. What you are asking for is the fun of having a prostitute at your beck and call while not having to pay her for it. Cold. Truly cold.
Do you see how terrible this can go? I truly hope this is not the case here and you are just asking for a simple relationship, to be able to chill with your girl, and not have to “get into it” with her. Many a man has wished for this on a Sunday afternoon during the football game but life is not always like that. But it can be if you learn the skills to work through the crap. But not until then. Life can be easy and enjoyable (as well as relationships too, of course) only once you do the incredibly hard work of mastering the skills to get there.
Yet another point (sorry, I have so many but I just want to be a bit thorough here so this stops for you) is, “Why would you even want the sex then without the deeper feelings?”. That’s where all the real fun is. See what I am getting at? Back to – IT’S ALL ABOUT THE FEELINGS. There isn’t really anything else. That is how far off this question is that concerns me. I get that you want a certain type of feelings though. The good stuff, right? Well, at least that’s something to build on. Now, just pay the price of getting YOUR really good stuff because your really good feelings are almost always going to be good for her. A true, really true, win/win is possible and are what relationships (deep, fulfilling relationships) are all about). Pay the awful, horrid, difficult, sticky, awkward, messy price and be done with it. Then enjoy life.
Yep, if you pay the price you get to move on. It just doesn’t become that much of a mess anymore. It might but not usually. But even if it does you have skills now. You get to use them. And things work out.
Live well my friend, because you are in for it one way or another. Even if you choose to convince her somehow to go without emotional involvement she’s not ever going to truly buy into it. This is going to be even more difficult than learning deep emotional involvement. Yep, you heard me. Your question, if achieved, is going to be a harder life for you. Drop it. Get with the program. Learn to play with the rest of us. Life is a lot better after you get decent at it. I promise. (And so does pretty much everyone else.)
But it is up to you.
For the rest of us, we draw on our emotional relationships to help us through the pain of healing (or even just to get through tough times). Then when we get better we return those feelings by supporting and caring for others to build our relationships even stronger. And our lives get better.
The more you want out of life the more work it is going to take to get it. So the better your relationships are the more ability you are going to have to get through it.
Thanks for being ballsy enough to ask me to answer this question whoever it was.