Money or love? You can’t have both.

So why should we ever give up or quit?

I think everyone should quit smoking.

Or more specifically, always quit the moment you realize you are not going to get what you truly want.

 

For example we often see the example that people who pursue money and power do not get love. The love and acceptance being what they really want but are constantly trying to fill that void in their lives with money and power. No amount of money can buy love (sure, you can rent the hell out of it) but it is still not love.

 

Should they quit making money then?

 

No, they just need to make a shift in getting their needs met.

 

But if they don’t have such a huge drive to make money anymore from their own lack of love then won’t they at least have a drop in their motivation in making money.

 

Yep. Which is part of what scares the crap out of people that are power hungry and make a lot of money. They will make less money. And now the truly scary part. If they do make a true shift in getting their needs met then will they be happy and satisfied just making less money? The answer –

 

Yes

 

This is the main reason why creative people do not get help. For two weeks after therapy they are not creative anymore. And this should scare the crap out of you.

 

Unless you do one more thing. Anybody know what that is?

 

Secrets to setting priorities to achieving any goal

When do you keep at it and when do you shift gears?

This is how long to keep at it before you start wasting your time:

If you know it is going to work then stay at it until it does. If you don’t know if it is going to work then what are wasting your time on?

A bit of a surprising response coming from me (of all people) – I must say. We could both name things for hours and hours that people worked on when they had no idea if it was going to work or not. Scientific and medical research just to name two. Inventors work their whole lives building and working on things without anything more than a hope that they might discover how something might work. Imagine if Edison only worked on things he knew for sure were going to work?

Exactly.

Only Edison (and all the rest) only worked on what they KNEW was going to work. Edison was a driver, hard worker, and pushed every day. He KNEW he was going to develop the best light bulb even when he didn’t know how. See the subtle difference?

Drive seems to be one of the best ways to achieve success. People that push to results like Edison achieve success. They know it will work (whatever they do) because they MAKE it work.

Now this was a case of asking a poor question to begin with. I must respectfully suggest asking a better question, “How do I keep interest and passion in doing the hard work to achieve success?”

Or, “How do I enjoy work?”.

See how you get better answers?

 

 

For those professionals who work too hard

Why do you work so hard?

By asking the question, “Why am I such a hard worker?” your mind begins to answer it. Just to ask the question is to lose because your mind starts telling you all the reasons why you are a hard worker. This will bring understanding about how you work but as Jung criticized Freud, “Thanks, Freud, now we know WHY we are so screwed up BUT WE ARE STILL SCREWED UP!” It is the insight we are after but often the wrong question just beats ourselves up.

In school we were taught that there is no such thing as a stupid question. Why was this? Because it turns out that there are stupid questions after all.

A slightly better question is, “What can I do about being over worked?” This way your mind will come up with things you can do about it based on what you believe your options are.

If you don’t like the answer then ask better questions and learn more about what to do.

Stop setting ridiculously high goals

“If you set your goals ridiculously high and it’s a failure, you will fail above everyone else’s success.”
– James Cameron

Yes, and you will also beat yourself up for never achieving it.

In contrast, if you do not have incredible vision (ridiculously high goals) then you can also fall too easily into just comforting yourself for being average. Or it is ok that you have not really done “anything” with your life.

Much better to set ridiculously high goals, honestly work towards them by breaking it down into daily doable goals (as well as medium term goals). This way if you set a goal to be a world renowned neurosurgeon graduated from Harvard then you may just only get a college degree in biochemistry.

Outrageous goals are worthless until you break them down into medium and short term goals. This way you are accomplishing something worthwhile almost every day! (Hey, take some time off once in a while and screw around.)

On the other side it is important to not beat yourself up in anyway if you fall short. Forgive yourself for not becoming a world renowned neurosurgeon graduated from Harvard by yesterday. Setting ridiculously high goals almost automatically produces the expectation to have achieved it. Screw that! Forgive yourself and reward yourself appropriately.

You have to tie rewards to the level of goal you achieve:
A small goal = a small reward
A medium goal = a medium reward
A large goal = a large reward

Too large a reward for a small goal means, “You are done” to yourself. Too small a reward for a large goal means, “You won’t ever make it” to yourself. Take care of yourself.

Oh, by the way, anybody else remember that James Cameron was homeless at one point in his life?

Real keys to peak performance (motivation)

Peak performance (or motivation) is a hot topic these days. People often contact me for motivation which is fascinating because I wonder how they were able to contact me with no motivation. If you know you need to do something then you are realizing you are already motivated.

Do what you really want to in a way that is comfortable. By really want too I mean the underlying positive that you are being drawn too. Interesting, invigorating, fascinating, supportive, relaxing, enjoyable all equal comfortable. I simply can’t stress this enough. Work sucks. Turn work into play by doing what you really want to do. There are so many ways to exercise and physical things to do as just one example of what people are looking for motivation to do.

Earlier I was only using the example of losing weight as just an example. The principles are the same for anything. What do you want? – better job, more satisfaction from your significant other? More free time? Better friends? Pick what you are after and read this article that way.

This is probably one of the most profound insights I’ve ever found in motivation. People are already motivated (or you would be dead) is another way to look at it.

Questions are your most powerful tool. These are questions you ask yourself not necessarily of others.

On one end: Where do you want to be? How do you want to get there? Get a plan that will work. On the other end: what is it costing you? How does it hurt? Involve both sides to motivation (pleasure and pain) in a constructive, healthy, responsible, and appropriate way. Finding this pleasure/pain balance for yourself is the most tricky part.

Some people like to work out by themselves (to keep with the physical exercise example) while others see that as torture and pain. Maybe just making a commitment to show up to the front desk of a gym would be enough for you to do? Then have the front desk clerk learn to recognize you and entice you into the gym or have your trainer come get you. I don’t really know here because I don’t know you but I think you get the idea. I am just picking out random things to illustrate different points.

Aside from working out is eating healthy. That seems to be about 90% of losing weight if this is part of what you want. This is a completely different thing. If losing weight is more important than getting in shape then just forget about exercise for now. Truly. Just forget it. Focus everything on enjoying some kind of healthy food. Learn to cook naked in the kitchen with your girlfriend? I have no idea. Wait, that is a bad idea because of hot splashes. (Are you getting the idea here?) Find something that interests you. Explore. Explore. Explore. Then have fun by exploring some more.

As far as goals in general – you have to tie rewards to the level of goal you achieve:

A small goal = a small reward

A medium goal = a medium reward

A large goal = a large reward

Too large a reward for a small goal means, “You are done” to yourself. Too small a reward for a large goal means, “You won’t ever make it” to yourself. Take care of yourself.

 

Now look at what is getting in your way of where you want to be. Embarrassment? Lack of friends? Depression? Money? Boredom? Opportunity? (too busy) What is it? This is the introspective look at getting in shape. These are the road blocks. Here is a short little cartoon I found that can get you started here>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iBpEYa74w2Y

What gets you out of bed in the morning on the weekends? I suggest using some version of that to get started. Then, why do you finally go to bed on the weekends? And add that as well. Trust me, eventually if you keep tinkering around to find how you are already motivated you will find it. This is the key. Once you find this you can turn up the volume. Without knowing how you are already motivated turning up the volume by trying to motivate yourself is a waste of time. So many wonderfully interesting ways to get into “shape”. Have some fun. Try different things. When it clicks and you hit home – gold. You never go back. You are in shape and enjoy it.

 

Bringing back the 50% divorce rate, plus many other surprises

Apparently the 50% divorce rate has been debunked a couple of times. It was done here recently. http://www.randalolson.com/2014/10/10/what-makes-for-a-stable-marriage/ Fascinating that college degreed spouses who have managed to keep it together for at least ten years only have a 25% divorce rate. Almost half the national average. Yep, a women’s education is vital to keeping the marriage together.

Other fascinating data shows that the more money you make the less likely you are to untie the not. You read that right, people. More money = lasting marriage.

Going to church has a nice positive impact as well. Apparently any church will do but I doubt CFSM would make the cut.

A long engagement is the first item mentioned in the article and I put it last to make an emphasis of it. And the only thing more controversial than wealth and sex before marriage is that, apparently NOT having love in a relationship helps you stay married longer. Yep, you heard it right.>

“If your partner’s looks or wealth are an important factor in whether you want to marry them, then I’ve got bad news for you: Your marriage is more likely to end up in divorce than if you could care less about wealth and good looks.”

Pretty depressing stats. Being the one to make all the money in the relationship and not caring how your partner looks means you are simply not concerned with a lot about them. No wonder these people don’t get divorced. Which begs the greater question, “Why do they get married in the first place?”

All in all – if you want a good marriage statistics hardly ever tell the whole story. Where are the stats about coaching, therapy, or skill sets learned to keep a marriage together. Because if you want to stay happily married just get the help you need, learn the skills, and do what works. These intelligent people stay married far more often I would imagine.

Will power is only the forerunner to self-discipline

Will power is a wonderful short term use of the ego.

Ever notice how ego maniacs tend to run out of steam? It is not just because of the enormous amount of energy it takes to sustain sheer force of will. It is also because will power is only designed to be used short term.

Think of your biceps and your neck muscles. Ever wonder why you can’t hold up your hand for more than a few minutes at a time without your arm getting exhausted? While your neck holds your head up all day long without much of a problem. The difference is in the TYPE of muscle you are using. Your biceps are designed for short term heavy lifting while your neck can’t really do fifteen push-ups very well.

There is a trade off to get the best of both worlds. Will power is your biceps and self-discipline is your neck. In other words – when was the last time you had a work out for your neck muscles? Not very often I bet! But will power? That gets it every day.

The point is what to use for what – don’t depend on will power long term. Or beat yourself up when will power does not cut it to get out of bed early day after day after day.

 

Confuse them at your peril.

Being negative IS being positive, Oprah

Recently reading about how important it is to be proactive. To come up with solutions to problems instead of just pointing out what is wrong with everything. I began to wonder if maybe the solution is too hard and this is what I came up with.

 

“Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe the mind of man can achieve.”

Maybe

Just telling people to “shape up” doesn’t quite cut it. This is a particular type of personality that usually does this nitpicking negativity. It is the critical mind at work that does it’s best in a positive environment. These people tend to be detail oriented and passive. Instead of asking them to be “positive” or constructive they thrive in environments with detailed instruction and working with things like computers. In other words you are asking them to change their personality which is almost impossible. Much better to leave them alone to do their thing. It is just simply much more effective to learn to manage this negativity and contain it so you can use it instead of getting them to change.

On the other hand, the opposite personality – the socialite who immediately connects with “being positive” is very popular. But they do tend to lack depth and working with details well. Not that this matters much in popularity professions such as movie stars because we love them in spite of it.

Another way to put it is the interesting occurrence that happens the higher someone’s intellectual IQ rises. After about 150 points a person’s social skills start to noticeably diminish while their intellectual abilities rise. They are trading off social skill for intellectual ability.

Oprah is incredibly popular. On her TV show she put the best of the best to show the world. Only one or two or so guests ever got their own show (Dr Phil). One guest even had a complete breakdown and lost everything. After several years iyanla -fix my life is back and is holding her own now. <Ha, see what I did there?

I turned it around.

You only have 24 hours to live – is a stupid question

You only have 24 hours (3 months, 1 year, whatever) to live. You have been diagnosed with a terminal disease (probably cancer of some kind). What do you do with the rest of your life?

I always see this question asked as part of some personal development, time management, priority setting workshop only it never works well. The reason is because those people that tell the truth can never sustain what they really want to do.

If you truly only had 24 hours to live would you even sleep that night? No, you would not. You would skip meals, say goodbye to everyone, write some memoirs or record some video for posterity, you would spend your money, try to visit something exotic, make love, eat your last meal, or whatever.

All the people telling me you would work that day is pretty sad. I don’t mean to be mean about it. I just don’t care how great your job is you simply won’t put that much work in that day except MAYBE to wrap some things up and let people know what is going on.

You would give away your stuff in some form or another.

You would tell off a couple of people that had it coming to them.

You might dress up or dress down depending on how you would want to be remembered.

Most people would probably just sit and cry most of the day. They wouldn’t know what to do. Get you affairs in order they would have been told but most people don’t have much in the way of affairs.

I guess the stages of grief would kick in as well at some point: (denial, numbness, and shock), bargaining, depression, anger, and finally acceptance would take up quite a lot of the day.

Or

A large portion of people would be consumed by grief and overwhelm. They wouldn’t know what to do.

 

I realize that this question is about setting your priorities in order but it sure has a funny way to do it. I have never really understood the question. If you only had a short time left to live would you quit your job to pursue that elusive dream? No. You would go have fun. Would you quit your job to finally go try out for a show on Broadway? Maybe, but you probably wouldn’t make it anyway. There is a reason you haven’t tried out already: you are nervous, inexperienced, or really just don’t know what you are doing.

Let’s be honest so we can be effective. The question is asked to get you to really think about what is important in your life. So you can go do that. It is a provocative question designed to be intriguing and fun. It just isn’t a very effective question. It just gets you to buckle down and wrap up your life.

A much better question is – What would it really take to get you make more money, have more free time, and lead a balanced, healthy life? What would it really take to get you to completely go for it? How can you truly fulfill your dream and enjoy it?

Questions are our most powerful tool in becoming more successful in life. Use them well or stay mediocre.

 

Toby Jensen – Master Life Coach

Creator of Gutap – the only system for change

Karma is so great! But is it?

I recently heard someone bragging because the three people he screwed over today was ok because according to karma they had it coming. Although my darker sense of humor kicked in I was also reminded of the great missing link in Buddhism. Which is – after 30,000 volumes of writing and everything else Buddha said, no one (including him) could answer the question of what to do with the container that once held karma.

What does that matter? The container is empty, right?

The now empty, clean container that once held negative karma still holds the potential (temptation or expectation) that negative karma will be in it again.

To eliminate this container – stops growth, brings just complacency and probably regression.

Jung shadow work, which, ironically was based in part on eastern philosophy, began this deriving goodness out of shadow. Which is what Gutap is about. A system to being able to change negative into positive which works so well in science with things like batteries or cause and effect.

Basic separation of light and darkness that happened twice in the beginning of the universe according to physics. Keeping negative generating into positive to keep things expanding and growing is the key.

Toby Jensen – Master Life Coach
Founder of Gutap

Contact Toby

Toby Jensen, Master Life Coach
Park City, UT
(801) 484 - 3484

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