Honestly, taking time now to plan just enough to be effective will not only save you the stitch in time but will slowly revolutionize your life over time.
Expectation creates sorrow – expectations are not met. Better to “Act without expectation.”
And yes, this post is five pages long. After all this is probably the longest you will ever spend on self-help this whole year. Maybe your only shot of having this year be different from last year.
And then there is the shame, later, of having not achieved your goals in front of your cohorts. Makes me wonder how close shame is to guilt. When we remember one of the great false beliefs, “I am not worthy of success and joy”. Better to look forward to the future experience with also wonder and delight as to what might happen. When I saw the latest version of the movie Tron I was looking forward to it with great anticipation. During the show it simply began to lag and become boring but because of my strong desire having been built up so much I didn’t allow myself to feel where I was at. Only after, when friends and family said it was a crap movie did I remember I also was disappointed. There are expectations but there is also quality. Or our own personal needs to be taken care of. If our needs are taken care of then we can “make the best of it” in poor situations.
It is an excellent time to remember the guilt and remorse we had if we reviewed last year. The time of year between Christmas and New Years that guilt and remorse can set it. Reflecting on the past year can bring regret. It is this pain that is vital to learning and being able to do something about it for next year.
When I was a kid I stole a Hot Wheels from a kid down the street. I was a bad kid. He had plenty and I didn’t think he would miss it. Turned out – he did. I felt guilty as soon as I did it but I did my best to revel in my new treasure instead. I was a kid – so it worked. Until his mother showed up at school. Turns out I had taken this kids favorite car. He had been crying about it all morning. It was a little tough to deny it since I was playing with it when she showed up.
This mother grabbed me by the wrist and started hauling me off to my house. It was the ‘70’s. She told my mom, who told my dad, who later beat me for it. Again, it was the ‘70’s – common for kids to get a spanking. Did I take that kids car ever again? Nope. I just got smarter and stole some place else instead. Spankings don’t work very well but we didn’t know that back then.
Now I had hatred, revenge, and the thrill of theft to compensate for my guilt next time. It worked a lot better. Good enough, anyway. Right? Wrong.
Are you seeing the complexity of emotions here? I had three powerful emotions running my false belief that I could lie, cheat, and steal to get what I wanted. Like I said, I was a bad six-year-old. If there ever really could be such a thing. If I wanted to use Gutap to shift this around I had to find three counterpart emotions to flow into this to heal it.
But here is the real trick.
This is actually a secondary false belief. The real belief was under this. That we were poor and I couldn’t have plenty of good stuff for myself. That was the real false belief powering my theft. From here I had decided that the way to get what I wanted was to steal it. It was later in my tweens that I began to go deeper to work on this one. Changing a superficial belief of whether to steal or not is simply not going to work when something deeper and stronger is powering us.
Often we become angry over our actions as well. Anger can cover our fear or also get us enough courage and strength to do something about it. In understanding anger it is helpful to know what created it. It often seems we experience a boundary violation, become fearful, seek to re-establish the boundary, lack confidence, and then overcompensate with anger. Anger can get us moving. Anger is telling us to establish our boundaries again. Only that is often lost in the “troll” side of twitter you describe. If we take time to resolve what caused the fear first when we hear the attack then we have a chance to not even be affected next time.
I was fearful and excited about those Hot Wheels down the street when I was a kid. Then quickly jealous. From there it was only a short hop to anger then some final justification. I misdirected the anger unfortunately.
The point is that what we think is going to help resolve our anger (attacking back with self-righteous vindication – Yeah, I got that guy!) is not what resolves it. Because our untrained instinct still hurts us.
Preventing anger is not quite the same as anger management.
By taking some time to find out what is happening as you describe we become much more aware of who we are. We understand more about how to proceed. But the steps we take are still only based on our experience and ability to find help. By resolving the power source of what is driving our behavior then we can have a chance to do something different. Change the core belief.
Simple is not so simple. We live in a complex and complicated world. Where we are often told that complicated is bad and only by having simplicity can we relax and enjoy life. Too bad this is just not that practical. Sure, our ability to maintain simplicity such as being in the present moment brings great joy but it is not the only source of joy. Of course it is so much easier to be in the present moment when just resting. Action and motion make it difficult. It is easy to over think it. Buddhist monks talk about when chopping wood just chop wood – ie stay in the present moment no matter what you are doing. Flow – the psychology of optimal experience takes this much farther with incredibly detailed steps to achieve it. Think of a runner’s high. In these steps struggle/work/effort is always required.
Transcending pain provides a better option. When we stop struggling so much to resist pain – to stay in pleasure – then we can go with the flow better. We become more aware. More of an adult. To be able to experience more than just the pain of this moment. Maybe just a little pain for now and return to the present moment to also experience joy, greater joy, at the same time.
We give the greatest attention to those who make us feel the best. Understanding our own needs and the needs of others offers us the greatest ability to meet needs across the board. Treat others the way they want to be treated so you can ask to be treated the way you want to be. It can even be done at the same time. This is not a zero sum game. When we are relaxed and engaged with friends we know we have their attention without having to be the center of attention. And they know it also at the same time. It’s called bonding or “having a moment”. Only when things get out of whack do we lose this perspective.
Recognize intimacy when you get there. You get to stay longer when you do.
Hang out with friends. Relax, chill. Sharing the present moment with other human beings. This is intimacy in its most basic form. Bonding. Connecting. We all get this. Knowing we are there is only half the battle. Being able to get there is the other half. But the real battle is staying there once we know it. It seems that the moment we realize we are there we congratulate ourselves for achieving it which instantly knocks us out of it. Ha! What a trip. The ego.
Maintaining intimacy in its most simple form is simply staying in the present moment and opening to connect with others. Give yourself something simple to do to keep returning to the here and now. I like to gently slow breathing to relax myself, feel my body, and slip back into the present moment.
When I do that with another human being. Wow.
Passion, living, purpose – it is far more than just doing whatever you feel like. That is called being impulsive though while still fun at times (or just needed to restore balance to our lives). Passion comes in many forms. And make no mistake – passive passion is one of my personal favorites. Resting and feeling good brings waves of serotonin that is impossible to live without. Isn’t that really why we work? To feel good?
Ignore the power of niche at your own peril. Often we get so excited we think this is the one thing that everyone wants to hear. Is exercise even really something everyone is going to listen too? Certainly not when that first guy went out jogging in the ‘70’s. He just kept getting arrested because he must be running from a crime. In that stage only the early adopters would listen to him. That was the niche then. Now the niches are so varied across the board.
Focus on your niche in order to go broad. Getting a little out of everyone is far more difficult than getting a lot out of a few. But so many still want to disagree with this.
Ambivalent – yes, we are still talking about setting goals for the new year – seems to be even worse than procrastinating. At least with putting things off you know that eventually someday you will do it. With ambivalence you just become stuck in between going nowhere. Of course if there is nowhere to go then it would be fine. But we also wouldn’t call that ambivalence.
Absolutely do unto others – means treat people the way they want to be treated. The good way. If it meant “treat people the way you want to be treated” then who’s needs would ever get met? Maybe my twin brother’s.
Sometimes people want what I want. Usually they don’t.
Of course, in a pinch, if you just were good to people the way you did want to be treated – I’m sure people would still thank you. But to truly connect with other human beings it takes understanding who they are and what they really need. Learning what they desire.
What does intimacy even have to do with achieving your goals? Rejuvenation and resting gets us refreshed enough to keep going. All work and now play does not make Jack a dull boy. It gives him hypertension and a heart attack. What good is having all the money if you are dead? Not much I would guess but I am sure there is someone who will argue me on this point.
Help others to help yourself.
Whew, at first I was looking to see how giving everything away was possibly ever going to help me. Then I saw – “Give to yourself” as the first thing listed. Things like emotion – caring for others are easy to do. Money and work? That’s a whole different ball game (or maybe I got that backwards). Real success involves healthy appropriate boundaries. Maybe even asking for another to give back. Seems to work out best when clear and direct communication revolves around who we are and what we want. When more and more people are getting their needs taken care of.
Just being aware of what needs to happen to get back on track is the key. Most of our time is spent just getting back on track.
Noticing what we think leads us into noticing what we believe. Keep it easy. This allows us to listen to what is going on without creating any false memories.
Like the sociopath who never goes into counseling. That would mean that the people that are reading this are the ones looking for the way to get their “problem” person some help. I suppose that is different than changing them. Funny how we say things like, “You can’t change other people”. But then turn right around and talking about how we can get them help. I guess it really just boils down to how much influence we can create and wield in another’s life to help them. Seems like most times there are plenty of ways to influence another person.
It is the limiting belief of not changing another person – it’s not possible or allowed. When they truly do need to change. Or they will lose out in life.
Control – such an intriguing word. It seems like controlling anger is really just trying to ride the bronco. A wild stallion almost completely out of control that will always eventually throw you – one way or another.
But if we feel our feelings we have a chance to change them. A different form of control. There must be a way to control feelings, after all, if there wasn’t then we would be mad at age two and still be angry today.
Setting goals (self-help) makes you feel worse. Yes, it is supposed too. In a good way. That pain helps us to change. Especially since nobody wants to change. Yeah. Let’s be honest here. If given the choice of whether to change or remain constant – even Newton’s Law says – people will remain in their current state. Change is hard and painful. It takes work. So until the pain of not changing over shadows the pain of changing – PEOPLE WILL NOT CHANGE. See how feeling worse helps us? See how the first step of gutap – feel your feelings – now helps us?
What you focus on expands. If you only focus on what you feel without helping yourself through it then the depression only just gets worse. Focus on feeling your feelings to do something about it instead. Then you get through it.
Now you can set some goals. Create some pain. The good kind of motivating discomfort. Pay the price now to have a much better life later this year.